Memoirs of Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto
by Lord Mist
Summary: Memoirs of Rokudaime Hokage, Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto. Required Security Clearance to view: SS. DO NOT LET PEOPLE OF KONOHA READ.


DISCLAIMER: I own everything. No I don't .

So this thing was inspired by Harry Potter: Hero of the Wizarding World?

Have fun reading it!

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Konoha Shinobi Library Archives, Document 213K488

Security Clearance Level: SS

Author: Rokudaime Hokage, Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto

Description: Memoirs

Librarian Notes: DO NOT LET THE PEOPLE OF KONOHA SEE THIS!

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This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Feels a bit weird to say that. The Hero of Konoha, the People's Hokage – what would I be hiding? Oh, wouldn't you like to know. Better make this official, right? I, Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto, do solemnly swear that this is what actually happened in my life.

Of course, some of the ninja already suspect it, at least those who know me. That silver-haired sensei of mine is too sharp for his own good. Still, one thing has always been true – I must be Lady Luck's bastard child, because she just seems to adore me.

Where do I start?

No, civilians, we ninja don't join the academy at age 8. Those children you see going to that building called the 'Academy'? They just learn the same thing your kids learn, except with the addition of how not to stab yourself with kunai. Hatake Kakashi didn't become a chuunin at age 4, or 5, or whatever the latest story is. Good god, people, are you insane? A four year old, no matter how smart, can barely read and understand the sort of language I'm using right now, let alone understand the complexities inherent to the sort of jobs we do. It ain't all flashy jutsu, although me saying that seems sort of hypocritical. Anyway, think about which ninja would be willing to be led by a fucking four year old brat.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah, those kids of yours you enrol in the program? Ever wonder why you don't see them often enough? So that you don't find out about this, that's why. God, you people think we'll let twelve year olds be capable of killing people, and notoriously temperamental children at that? Ugh. No, they need to know sufficient math, science and language before they can finish the missions we get to do.

After the very public 'Academy' that you guys see, when they 'graduate' at age twelve, they go to the actual Academy where they learn to kill people accurately, Taijutsu, a little genjutsu, some basic ninjutsu, trap-making, politics, whatever. At fourteen, you're proper genin. Kakashi's genius was that he was a chuunin by fourteen, while Uchiha Itachi outdid him by a year.

Why do we hide this? Well, duh, so you tell everyone that we ninja are monsters, that at age eight we're able to kill grown men, that the Leaf breeds geniuses that are chuunin by four, become jounin before they're potty-trained; ninja villages _depend_ on reputation to stop wars and get the best clients. While I'm on that, think of the 'Bloody Mist'. You think a village can survive if it kills off half its children every year? What sort of population strength would it have? No, you idiots, they just _hide_ the 'dead' ones in their reserve Academy, train them harder and make them the faceless Hunter-nin that Kiri is famous for. Man, you people sure are gullible.

So, what about me?

Yeah, the Kyuubi was sealed in me as a kid. I didn't lie about that. Yeah, my childhood was bad – I wasn't abused, but it's true I did get ignored, didn't have friends, whatever you want to call it. Not until I got into the Academy, at least.

Speaking of reputation, though, think of the Kyuubi. And this is the funniest thing ever. You think the Kyuubi is strong? Sure it is. Sure, it can take any of you, probably most of the ninja forces. Maybe one Kage or two. But all those things about destroying mountains with a flick of its tail? If it could do that, wouldn't Konoha be nothing more than rubble by now? But, Hokage-sama, you say, there are reports of people seeing it happen!

Of course there are. It's a goddamn Kitsune, people! It can throw around illusions (and foxfire, but that's not important) like they were going out of fashion. I won't complain, though. Although having an all-powerful entity stuck in my stomach would be awesome, this turned out quite the good thing as well.

So where was I?

Oh yeah, the Academy. And when I say Academy, I mean the second Academy, not the 'Academy'. Ugh, I'm confusing myself. So we were a pretty small class – about fifteen of us. Class sizes have to be small. It's not exactly possible to train forty people at a time to kill efficiently and make sure none of them are accidentally stabbing themselves with the poisoned kunai the instructor brought to show us.

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The final day started as I planned. I woke up just in time to get to the Academy for my final examination before I became a Genin, looked at the clock, smiled, closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Become a ninja? Not for me, thanks. Too dangerous. I knew Shikamaru would be trying the same thing, but his mother would force him to go; I could sleep in as much as I wanted. The only risk was that the Hokage would check in on me, but it was a small chance. Normally, the old man used his crystal ball on the hot springs. Jiraiya had to get his perversions from somewhere.

Why would I join the Academy, or even the 'Academy' if I didn't want to be a ninja? Because I had to. The container of the Kyuubi no Kitsune (yes, the Old Man told me on my twelfth birthday, before I joined the Academy) was too powerful an asset to not be given the chance of becoming a ninja. I had no choice, of course. My reasoning for not going to the exam was simple. If I failed, they would either let me go and be the ramen shop owner I always wanted, or they would pass me anyway in which case why bother showing up for the final exam?

I was woken up five hours later by the dulcet tones of my instructor Mizuki, who was furiously knocking on my door. "-uto?! Naruto?!"

Blearily, I opened the door.

"Naruto, what happened? You missed the exam!" he said, although he did seem to be a little happy about it. I soon found out why.

"The exam?!" I said, widening my eyes. "Oh no! I missed the exam! Whatever will I do? I guess I failed!" I had to act like I wanted to be a ninja, of course. If the Old Man, or that other bandaged freak he played shogi with found out I didn't want to be a ninja, they would be all over me, forcing me to become one, scrutinizing every decision I take and so on.

"Don't worry, Naruto." said Mizuki, "There's a make-up test you can do."

_Shit_, I swore to myself. Still, I'd just fail this test too. "Really?!" I said, forcing enthusiasm into my voice. "What is it?!"

He told me I had to steal a scroll from the Hokage's office – a rather difficult infiltration simulation, he said. I relaxed. This seemed tough enough that I could fail the test without arousing any suspicions. And if I failed this one too, then surely they couldn't keep giving me more exams.

Heart singing, I casually strolled into the Hokage's office, flipping off the secretary who stood outside, that bitch. No one said I had to actually break into his office, right? Maybe this would count against me as well, which was the main thing. I had been into his office too many times as a kid for them to try to stop me from just walking in anyhow.

So there I was, in his empty office. Carelessly, without bothering to hide myself or my presence, I walked up to the bust of the Shodaime that I knew concealed the entrance to the Hokage's library, loudly twisted the thing until the library opened, and then strolled in nonchalantly, whistling.

Of course, within seconds the Hokage was behind me, the seals laid in to the library telling him that an intruder had entered. Smiling, the scroll Mizuki had named in my hand, I turned to him. It was time to fail spectacularly.

"Hey old man!" I shouted, hoping to draw the ANBU as well, "get a load of this!" I used my patented Sexy Jutsu, transforming into the blonde, pigtailed, naked-as-the-day-she-was-born girl. Contrary to popular myth, this did NOT knock out the Sandaime. Sure, the old man was a pervert, but seriously, what sort of Hokage would he be if the sight of a naked girl made him pass out? Anyone who wanted to beat us in a war just had to order their kunoichi to come naked to the fight then. Also, contrary to further popular belief, I did NOT make this technique to mess with perverts. I DID make this technique to …well I was a fourteen year old lonely, curious boy going through puberty, what the fuck did you think I made the technique for?

I miscalculated though, and the Old Man, angrier than I had ever seen him, steel in his eyes, caught me by the neck, dispelling the transformation, forced me down onto the ground, and with a kunai at my throat and the most serious expression I had ever witnessed on his face, seemed ready to cut me up.

"Wait, wait!" I yelled, flailing my hands ineffectually. If Sarutobi Hiruzen wanted you down, by god you stayed down. "I guess I failed then!"

This seemed to confuse him. "Failed?"

I supposed that the Academy hadn't told him yet, or maybe they had and the paperwork was still on his desk because god knows there was a lot of it on the desk, so I explained to him.

Then, as he swore to himself and summoned his ANBU, I realised I had been tricked. Mizuki was a fucking traitor. The bastard had meant to use me to do his dirty work for him. If there's one thing no one did, it was take advantage of Uzumaki Naruto.

* * *

"Mppphm!" I said. The Hokage looked at me and gestured with his pipe, a small smile twitching at his lips. The ANBU behind me ungagged me. "Hokage-sama." I said, unnaturally serious, anger simmering in me. "I request you to let me be the bait in this mission. Let me pretend I stole it so you can see if he has any accomplices."

The two ANBU in the room seemed to twitch a bit at this. The Hokage only smiled, and asked, "Why do you want that, Naruto-kun?"

"Because no bastard makes a fool out of Uzumaki fucking Naruto." I said.

He smiled, and the trap was laid.

I won't deny I had an ulterior motive for becoming the bait as well. From the brief glimpse I'd had of the scroll before the Hokage had arrived, it said something about the Shadow Clone Technique, which would prove very useful in running my ramen shop if I learnt it. Think of the labour costs saved!

And what better way to be unsuspicious when Mizuki arrived than for him to see me attempting to perform some techniques from the scroll? What really surprised me was how simple the technique seemed to be.

Anyway, Mizuki walked in, and I noticed he had his backpack of supplies with him. Clearly he planned on hightailing it out of Konoha with the scroll.

"Going somewhere, Sensei?" I asked innocently, then was forced to dodge as a windmill shuriken struck where I was standing.

"What's going on?" I asked, pretending to be confused. "Is this part of the test?"

"Test?" sneered Mizuki. It was a decent sneer, but I've seen better. "This was no test, you demon spawn! You have stolen the scroll for me, and now Orochimaru-sama will-"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, NARUTO!" came a shout, and I looked around confused to see Iruka, who was apparently casually walking past the clearing, notice what was going on. "You're my student and not a-"

It was very nice of him to say that, of course, and Iruka was one of my favourite teachers at the Academy, but really, why did he have to jump in right now? Everything was fully under control, the ANBU were merely waiting for my signal, no doubt looking for this Orochimaru already, and instead the man had to break in with an emotional speech. It was irritating.

Mizuki felt the same apparently, because he swore about how I (I presume he meant the Kyuubi) had killed Iruka's parents, and Iruka shot back that I was different from the Kyuubi, and I was stunned for a second at the sheer inanity of it – the fucking scroll was right on the ground, why didn't Mizuki just take it and start running away instead of getting into a debate on my existence with Iruka?

Still, Mizuki finally came to his senses, surprising me, flung another shuriken that I calculated was probably too fast for me to dodge, so I prepared for pain – I heal fast with the Kyuubi and the ANBU were there, so it would be okay in the end.

The pain never came. Iruka, the idiot, the wonderful moronic man, had jumped in the way, and oh god he was_ bleeding he was bleeding_ and Mizuki laughed and I made the ANBU signal they had shown me with my hands, fully expecting black blurs to swoop out and catch Mizuki – but nothing happened.

Nothing.

Swearing, angry, rage boiling over me and Iruka's blood on my jumpsuit, I made Shadow Clones. five hundred of them, to be precise. And they started a beat down of Mizuki. The man was no great Chunin, having been on a cushy teaching job for over three years now. The sheer numbers beat him to a pulp, and one clone was lifting its kunai when the ANBU _finally_ showed up, with the Hokage smiling, closely following them.

As they were apprehending Mizuki, and one of them taking Iruka to the hospital, I shouted at the old man. I asked him where they hell they were, whether the ANBU were blind, and if they couldn't see Iruka dying in front of them, and maybe they didn't think they should intervene?

The old man smiled again in that mysterious way of his. "You seem to have handled it well enough, Naruto."

"That's not the point!" I swore. "I'm not even a Genin, I failed, and you shouldn't have let me-"

"Naruto." he said, stopping my rant and looking into my eyes. "I held the ANBU back so I could see what you did. You protected a fellow ninja of Konoha. Your test scores so far may be the worst in class, but they are passable; I know you can perform the Henge" – I blushed – "and I know you can do the Kage Bunshin now."

I couldn't see where he was going with this.

"You beat a Chunin and a traitor, so, Uzumaki Naruto of Konoha-" he said, bringing out a headband and my mind went into overdrive. _No no no no no no no _"-you are now an official Genin, by order of the Hokage."

I collapsed on the ground, all my plans for naught. Now I would have to be a Genin.

The last thing I heard before I fainted was the Hokage commenting that perhaps all the excitement was too much for me.

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So? What do you guys think? Yeah, I do plan on going through the whole story, eventually. Of course, none of it will be in full detail though.

Review please! Reviews are my lifeblood D:


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